many things... many things...

So a lot has happened since I last felt inspired to blog.

At this specific moment I´m listening to a song by ricardo arjona called ella y el and its all about two polar opposites falling in love. In short, its a cuban marxist girl that falls in love with a republican ucla student. my favorite line is- que saben bill y fidel del amor?

beautiful song. ok now to my actual life.

recap...

i went to san juan del sur also known as the beach.
i stayed there from thursday til sunday when i had only planned to be there for a day. it ended up being absolutely amazing. i got to spend time with two of my favorite cousins and then my uncle, aunt, other cousin, and his girlfriend. it was really fun and we got to relax, swim a lot, lose our t shirt tans and eat a lot of seafood.

we got back to esteli, enjoyed the rest of our week, showed pictures to our family members and laughed at my hilarious video rendition of a national geographic special on san juan del sur.

I got back to Esteli feeling really refreshed and ready to kick my blues aside and get really excited about my life and what´s going to become of my life.

My aunt Alicita came from Germany and she´s amazing to have around. We share a bathroom and as of now we have a spastic showerhead and a toilet that needs to manually be filled up with water. its great.

I got my Nicaraguan birth ceritificate... well not really a birth certificate. My parents signed me up as a Nicaraguan when I was a child so now I will benefit from that because Ill get to take my portuguese classes at a reduced price and I´ll get to vote in the next Nicaraguan elections which I think are soon. (not presidential... dang)

I went to pick up Molly at the airport and bring her to Esteli. Molly is a fellow global studies major who is doing her GLT here as well. So I´ve got a familiar face here in Esteli... aside from my 694598694864 family members... hehe.

I think we are officially in the ¨canicula¨ which means a period of no rain during winter. so its hot right now and i cant wait til it rains again and everything cools down.

I got to visit Los Pipitos and drop off the gift I had for my baby Josue. For those of you that know Josue´s story, you know that seeing him meant the world to me. Josue is a one year old baby that has Cerebral Palsy, is semi blind, and has two hernias in his little testicles. I met him at one of the physical therapy days at Los Pipitos. He took my heart from just one look. He reminded me of my baby Eddie back home. They dont look alike but they´re the same age and I got to see what the life of a baby that is in constant suffering is like and compare it to the life that baby Eddie has back home. Both babies are loved and cared for yet their only differences are that one is healthy, the other is not, one has access to healthcare and the other´s illness is the result of poor care at a health center. Josue cant walk, crawl, turn over, talk, see, and I had never seen him smile. His hands were in tight fists and his feet were twisted. The day I saw him, I saw the pure essence of God´s love and His grace in that baby´s eyes. I saw him smile for the first time. I´ve never seen a smile as beautiful as his. It was so pure, so real. His smile lasted so long and it got even bigger as I got closer to him. I had so much joy when I saw that along with his hands now loose and his feet straight. His little hand held my finger tightly and I realized that moment was an encounter with the God I love. I know this sounds super cheesy and overly dramatic and sentimental but if my field of study didnt allow me to have feelings I would´ve died by now. All we study is sadness, heartbreak, hopelessness and my deepest desire is to see these things eradicated from our world... when I got to see a glimpse of God´s love I got to see that what I decided to dedicate my life to is worth it all. My entire life is worth one smile, one life changed, one minute of happiness is someones life. Its worth it. I´ve received so much love in my life, so many blessings, and I cant ever complain of what God has given me or what he is doing in my life. Im not talking about money or a house or clothes but the best thing I have in my life, my salvation, my heart, my family, my God above all else. I am filled with joy that surpasses all sadness. I am filled with hope that surpasses all hopelessness. I am filled with what humans cannot explain and only God can cause. I am filled with a small childs smile that although he is not healed (yet), although there are so many children on this planet that will never get to smile or enjoy life, God is their God, God is their hope and all of us that are dorment as they suffer are the cause of their pain if we are not their rescuers.

Reality can be a pain to hear... I will never choose bliss over reality. But what makes this world bearable is the sole existence of hope, hope that God can give, hope that can be reflected through our love and the dedication of our lives to loving until our hearts have run dry.

Thats it from me. mushy feely thoughts about my God and this love I will never fully understand.

let me be enough.

so im really scared that ill get bored. currently im kind of bored. i hate this feeling, the feeling that there is so much for you to discover yet everything has become so mediocre. im tired of waiting til i go to managua to have something exciting happen. i need to get out there and do something for myself. it just got really hot here so my super rain jacket had to be hung up. sad. my cousins got their exams back today... both of them failed two tests. so now my cousins are in solitary confinement. its kind of funny actually... i get to deliver ¨sweets¨ from the outside world to them... makes me feel like a smuggler. also, im re-reading power politics just because i feel like i need to get pissed at globalization again. haha. good reasoning. anyway, im at my uncle´s house and for some odd reason every time i come here my eye gets really weird.. its gets red and itchy. its gross. i think its because my cousins smoke so much. ahh well. i think i want to take a bus and go somewhere on thursday. lets see what happens. love to you all. by the way im thinking about saving up when i get back and actually getting a vespa. hehe. random i know but so beautiful...

love love love.

.dory.

frustrate me, Oh God.

So I just finished reading Septembers of Shiraz by Dalia Sofer. I finished it in a day because it had me so stressed out I didn’t want to drag that stress out throughout the week. Septembers of Shiraz is a novel about an Iranian Jewish family and their life during the Iranian Revolution. The father, Isaac Amin, ended up in jail and was accused of being a Zionist spy. The family was practically persecuted including their young daughter, Shirin. So yes, I was stressing out because this family never knew who was an actual friend and who was plotting against them. Anyway, it was an amazing book but I would suggest reading it while you’re in good spirits or else you’ll be stressing it like I was… unless you have a heart of stone, then read it whenever you want.

Ok so now to my life here. I’ve been trying to center myself spiritually before I actually start my GLT and its one of the most peaceful things I’ve ever experienced. Being by myself after 7 pm and meditating in the Lord’s presence, having the craziest conversations with Him about the hardest things in life, such as why some people are destined to live painful lives while others live in bliss. I’ve been thinking a lot about children who live and have lived through war. I think reading about Shirin in Septembers of Shiraz made me realize that all of us still have the heart of a child within us, the fear of a child, and although many disagree, I still feel we have some innocence left from our childhood. We cant all be corrupt there are still parts of us that are pure but once they are exposed to the idea that because we are adults, we must know better or we must be more experienced, we lose the beauty of innocence. On a personal note, I wish I were like the inner child of my brother sometimes, fearless when it comes to asking others questions or to getting close to people that he doesn’t know and automatically making a new friend. I think that’s one of the biggest things I lack, woo. I feel like I could have it if I stopped trying so hard, if when I looked at people I would see a relationship waiting to be made instead of thinking all the things that could go wrong, all the dumb things I could say to build a wall instead of a bridge. My biggest burden is the bits and pieces of knowledge I’ve acquired. Don’t get me wrong, knowledge is great, but for me it can become a hindrance for when I see someone different than me I automatically think of a book I read, a story I heard, a class I took on this or that or an anthropological study I want to make and I look at them as a case study rather than someone I would love to get to know. I need to pray for that to go away. The interruption of knowledge where there really should be childlike excitement, childlike woo that is not afraid to go up to someone, shake their hand, and just start a conversation. We’ll see how it goes for me… So back to children… I’ve been praying to understand why it is that the world is the way it is… I know a bunch of people and professors have given us the complicated answers that end up dooming humanity because of our own greed, stupidity, etc. but seriously, I truly believe there is good and evil in all of us and once we separate each other and say one is good and one is bad, we create these absurd “absolutes”, where there is no gray zone just black and white, Christian and non-Christian, conservative and evil liberal… stupid titles that lead all of us to lean more towards our evil side than rejoice in the good that has been placed in us.

I’ve also been struggling a lot with the idea of people “serving” me as in the house maid we have here in Esteli. Now we have three ladies that help out in the house. I know my aunt and uncle are very kind and they are fair bosses to these three ladies but I struggle with their place in our home. I see it in everyone’s house here because so many people have maids and some treat them worse than others. Just because you pay someone doesn’t mean they deserve to be mistreated or you deserve to be a lazy ass and get served wherever you are. I like the way one of my aunt’s sees the whole helper lady thing… “Yo tengo una colaboradora no una criada no una empleada, ella es una persona que trabaja igual que yo y recibe un sueldo porque me ayuda en lo que yo no puedo hacer en mi casa.” Translation: “I have a collaborator not a maid not an employee, she is a working woman just like I am and she receives a salary because she helps me with what I cannot do in my home.” Now I guess what I struggle with is the belittlement that people must endure when they work as maids here in Nicaragua. Some of these women get meager salaries and must work long days and nights and hardly ever get a vacation. Now from what I hear they are getting strict on enforcing the rights of women that work in homes because it is a decent job just like any other job and if anything it is one of the hardest jobs to have. Chances are the woman that works as a house maid doesn’t have a house maid of her own so she works from 6 am to 8 pm in a foreign home doing everything for a family and then she gets home and she does the exact same thing for her own family. It’s a never ending job. I’ve been thinking a lot about the way people talk to maids here in Nica and how these women address the people in the homes they work in. For example, I will forever treat Marinita, the lady that works at our house, as an “usted” for she is an adult and she deserves respect yet Marinita should treat me as a “vos” for I am a kid and she owes me nothing but no… Marinita has always treated me as an “usted” just as she treats all of my younger cousins as “ustedes”. Maybe I’m looking into this too much but no, I’m not… this is the reality of things. For example, why aren’t these women allowed to sit at the table with the family they work for? They are confined to eat on the ironing board in the room they work when there’s a big ass dining table that seats 8 and only 4 are seated. To me that’s illogical. I also noticed something else at my Cousin Claudia’s birthday party. My uncle and aunt invited Isabel, their helper lady, to Claudia’s party. Isa, as we call her, is used to attending all of our family functions because she is part of our family. Part of her day is spent just talking to us and joking with us. When Isa walked in to the party I got up to greet her and noticed strange glares towards her and I knew people were wondering what the house maid was doing at the family’s party. I was in shock because I never knew people could lose such respect for a fellow human being just because of their job. It brings me much joy to know that Isa is also a part time law student in the University here in Esteli. She is not only literate which is rare among women who work in homes, but she is extremely intelligent and I know that she’s gotten to where she is because she is a hard worker that doesn’t look at what others think of her but stands firm in what she thinks of herself. Isa eats lunch with us, Isa borrows my books, reads our magazines, even wears Claudia’s clothes if she feels like it. Now think of this… she’s a woman that has spent years working in a home watching three kids grow up, her job is extraordinary, she’s not sitting in a cubicle punching numbers, she’s part of a child’s development, she’s part of the idea of discipline a child will have, she also cares and spoils all of us. Isa is truly a collaborator, she sees where my aunt and uncle cannot and she makes herself available. So now I don’t get it, why do people belittle women that are so great and who without them Nicaraguan homes would surely fall apart? (I’m serious! On days where the helper lady isn’t in, it’s as if there’s nothing going on in the home because… oh shoot! People have to actually do something for themselves?) So I don’t understand this and now that I’ve spent such a long time writing about this I’ve realized that maybe I should investigate this… as in… taaa dahh!! I have found my Global Study Project! The treatment of domestic workers in Nicaragua. Join me on this journey as I discover what is good, what is unjust, what is true and what a misinterpretation is.

Ok now to what I miss, what I love, and I don’t have a funny story… sorry… I owe you one…just think of the funniest thing I’ve ever done in your presence, that’ll give you enough laughs.

What I miss

My mom, everyday more and more

My mom’s coffee and her tostadas

My brother’s hugs (ok now I’m tearing up… dang)

Karen Adriana Quintanilla

My bedside lamp

Horchata

I’m running out of books!!!

Maranatha… my church.

My Che and Bob Marley posters… we go way back.

What I love

Spending an entire day in my PJ’s with my aunt Alicia talking about everything…

Being the neighborhood hairstylist and make up artist… I should start charging.

Hugging my uncle Miguel… he’s a giant.

Having the sweetest conversations with my cousin Mauricio

Listening to Ricardo Arjona all day long

My relationship with God is going through some sweet things right now.

Aranes and our shared love for soccer

Walking and slipping in the rain

I can’t get over how much I love the coffee here… with rosquillas.

Knowing there’s always a reason to celebrate

Listening to Carlito’s music on Sunday mornings. He loves Celine Dion so he blasts her music so the whole town can hear.

The guard’s random whistling

I love Nicaragua… and this “What I miss, what I love” section in my blog really helps me out. J haha

p.s. the ¨j¨are supposed to be smileys... but I guess keyboards in Nicaragua don´t allow happiness. sad day.

It´s cold here.

So I’m here in Esteli and I’m kind of cold. It’s 7 pm and it’s about 56 degrees outside. I’m so glad that it’s actually somewhat cold; I get to wear my cardigans and scarves early on in the trip. J Other than that, I feel pretty lonely and it’s a little strange that I feel lonely considering I see about 25 different family members every day. I wake up to the sounds of my young cousins playing on the street. I eat breakfast and then I chat for an hour with my aunt and then I head out to my other aunt’s house where I watch movies and listen to music with three other cousins. Two days ago one of my cousins flew in from Spain, today his sister flew in from Cuba and next week their other sister will be flying in from Spain. I see them everyday and I practically spend every breathing moment with them. Technically I’m not on Global Learning Term yet since Slimbach said I should take a little vacation before starting everything. J I guess it’s nice to have a break but it’s also very lonely knowing that I’m doing nothing with my life right now. Well, I’m being as productive as I can, I’m trying to make sure I can go to UNAN in Managua (University) and then I called to sign up for Portuguese classes in Managua and now I’m trying to finalize everything for my internship. So I’m anticipating having an exciting life. J I’ve been struggling with either staying in Esteli and being a little safer and closer to family or going to Managua, being close to some family and being in a little bit of danger. Danger sounds so intense… so not danger I guess just being a little more careful. J So I guess I feel lonely because I have tons of people around me yet none of them really understand what the heck I’m doing here. I think I’m leaning more towards going to Managua so I don’t feel like I’m on another family vacation and I actually will have to get used to a new place. I’m excited for being by myself in a non-lonely way, if that makes any sense. I feel at my best when I’m traveling by myself. I feel like I’m actually doing something when it’s up to me to take initiative or up to me to see where I’m going. I love spending entire days alone walking around the city having an inside conversation with myself. J It’s really liberating, makes me think of who I am, why what I chose to study is so perfect for me, etc. So here’s where I am so far… I like the time I get to spend with my family but I can’t wait until I leave to Managua and get to discover something a little different. I’m excited for maybe interning at the school my church has in Vista al Xolotlan. I don’t know what I’d be doing yet but I’m excited… those kids have my heart and I would get to see the young girl I sponsor everyday. J

Other than that, my mom had her first chemotherapy yesterday and so I felt pretty crappy even though I know she’s doing really well. I guess I just thought to myself: “great timing Dory.” But I guess you cant really change what you’ve already done… all I can do is pray that she’ll be ok and that I wont feel so bad for being here and not next to her. I know I NEED to be here and I know I SHOULD be here but my heart for now is somewhere else.

Ok, on a lighter note, I try to read my Momma T devotionals every day along with reading my Bible and yesterday’s devo was great. (Momma T is Mother Teresa for those that don’t know and just for further reference when I talk about Papa G its Gandhi and Aunt Roy is Arundhati Roy, all amazing people J) anyway, here goes the devo…

It is said that humility is truth and Jesus is truth, therefore, the one thing that will make us most Christlike is humility. Hiding the gifts God has given you or doing your work in an inefficient way is not humility.

Say this little prayer often: “Jesus, you said that anything we ask in your name will be granted. Therefore, in your name and for love of you, I ask you to grant me the grace to love you only, the grace to make my heart like yours, meek and humble.”

That was nice. Ok so here we go… things I miss, things I love, and one funny story.

Things I miss (in no particular order)
Chipotle
My mom and my family
Baby Eddie (he’s also family but he deserves a category of his own) J
Sarai (also a category of her own)
Baby Jeep and driving
Mosaic
A warm shower
Laundry done in a washing machine and not left out in the rain so that there is a permanent smell and sometimes stains in your clothes. Dang.
A light green sweater I forgot
My comforter. It’s so beautiful.
My brother’s laugh
Team Nicaragua… Esteli has their name all over it. L I miss you guys so much.
Downtown LA specifically Lost Souls on 4th St.
POM White Peach Tea
Being able to wake up without a bug bite
My beautiful friends

Things I love
Nicaraguan cheese
Prune ice cream… sounds gross but is SOOOOO good (mom, I know you’re jealous)
Buying street fruits
Walking to visit family
The fact that it’s cold here!
Nicaraguan coffee and I have a secret love affair
Soda in a bag
Laughing till I pee my pants with my cousin Claudia
Power outages… it’s a great time to think about how powerless we are. J And well, an excuse to not answer the phone or do your hair.
My aunt Alicia and Uncle Arnulfo (they just get better)
Watching how the rain makes my city turn bright green. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
La Casita!!! (my team knows…)
Watching tons of white people walk around with their silly sandals and big backpacks and then helping them if they’re lost.
Sitting outside of an NGO acting like I work there in order to get wireless internet
Tripping on uneven sidewalks. I have some sick bruises that I’m really proud of.
The children of Nicaragua are the cutest thing ever.
Walking around with an older family member and having them point to a total stranger and telling me they are somehow my cousin.
Waking up to the sound of… “Eeeeeelooootesssss, Taaaaaaammaaaaalllleeeesss, Wiiiiiiirrrriiillllaaasss!!!!” “Tomaaatteeee, Chiiiiilooooottteeee, Peeeeepiiiiinoooo!!!!” (for those of you that don’t know… street vendors are out at 5 am and they shout out what they’re selling and all the “empleadas” or the helper ladies run out of the houses and get what they need for the day.)

Ok that’s a lot of things that I love. Now here’s my story.

I was walking around town two days ago, specifically in the park and I had my purse, my umbrella, my nalgene, and my cell phone in my hands. I was about to put my cell phone away when some man runs up and tries to take my phone. I don’t know what got into me but I used my umbrella and my nalgene in self defense or defense of my cell phone. I swung my nalgene that probably weighed like 2 pounds and my umbrella that looks kind of like a baton and I hit the man in the hands and the stomach. He ran away and some lady that was selling shaved ice congratulated me for hitting the robber. Afterwards I felt pretty bad but then I got over it because I realized my phone was pretty expensive and I at least found out my source of hydration and my source of outdoor shelter can double as weapons. Good call dory.

That’s it. Have a wonderful week.

Pray for my mom, pray for Nicaragua, pray that I don’t get dengue because there are a crap load of bugs chilling in poop during rainy season, and well, pray for me too. J

Love to you all!

Deja que el mundo te cambia y tu cambiaras el mundo.- Che (by the way, I met a guy that looks just like him! He’s half Palestinian half Nicaraguan but he’s married and has a baby… dang.)